AS I..

...As you drove in your cars, we dragged our harassed, crippled feet on the scorching concrete.
As you spread out our wings, the ones you stole from under us, we crawled in birthing pains on earthy floor.
As you lifted one veil of mystery after another to know and control the Divine, we died year after year, month after month, milenium after milenium, from malnutrition, sutti, exile, stoning, twentieth pregnancy, broken bones, deep internal bruising and bleeding, cracked skull, ripped out eyes.
As you conquered boundary after boundary of mountains, rivers, then cities, then markets, then Wall Street, then restaurant business, then privately owned shops, we were left to die, bad mouthed and ousted of positions, for wearing a wrong cut of skirt and a wrong color of a blouse.
As you raised your son to the sun and prided yourself in him, the mother of this child was working her twentieth hour at a labor no one came to see nor praise nor reward. Her littler daugheter, your dauther, played by her feet, at age to learn the mathematics and sciences and logic, yet destined to marry at her 14. She has one more year left, let her play, Father, let her play.
As you came in counting your money, spreading a fan of it before my face, I said she, your daughter, needs new notebook, you said Maria does not even need a new dress.
As you left me to "scout out the world" they came and rapped me, I lost count of which child was yours, which ones was theirs, all were children, all I suckled at my breast, all loved me, and the sons whom I did not know to separate, rose to defend me.
As you left me to be alone with children and said it was my duty to raise them, when you returned, you demanded to know "where your children were and if they grew to be a help." I never saw my children...your children again..I remained in the house with their cloth and with my memories.
As you bonded with others and praised the glory of friendship, I, your companion of twenty five years, was forced to watchy you with her. She was young and she was my daughter's age, she was teasing me and wanted me to cry. I did not hate her, for I knew the truth. But, do not tell me about friendship.
As you raised yourself on the moutain and beheld God, you came back to tell me God was Divine, and great.
As you cried yourself to sleep at night, after loosing a battle, you survived the wound. You told me then God was kind.
As you won the case in court and came out a winner, you came back to tell me God was just.
As you created that mathematical eqution, conceived of that architectural plan and designed a new formula for a morep owerful weapon, you told me God was visionary.
As I listened to you about how many things this "God" was, I wanted to tell you that I met him too. When our child was sick and on his death bed, I prayed all night and reared him for months. When I pressed my head to his little chest to listen to his breath, I thought it stopped, mine stopped then too. I fainted. When I opened my eyes, he was on his knees beside me, giving me a glass of water. I wanted to tell you that when you left me to "go hunting" and went out to her instead, I went to the woods to gather berries for our dessert, and a bear came upon me. I though then that I would never see you again, but the bear was not careful, the smell of blood was too powerful for him, he walked into a trap. I wanted to tell you that when you lost your bet and we have mortgaged our house, I sneaked out in the night when you were deeply asleep from booze and hashish, and I went to the creditor's house, and I begged him for the sake of my young ones, and you, who was a fool, but a good father and a good husband, to give us time. Our son was almost sixteen and he could take the job in the city. I cried all night and begged, adn crawled after the man on my stomach, when he finally told me to get up, and wash up in the bathroom, and go home and sleep and not think these thoughts. He said he will give us as much time as we needed, and the young one could take an extra year to get a trade - and this way he will get a better job too. I never told you. You never knew. But the creditor said to you your house was a loosing deal to him, you best keep your own problems and not get him involved. I wanted to tell you that when Marry got home from that party and was pale, not everything was "ok." She was raped that night but was too afraid to tell you. She got pregnant that night, but we were afraid to tell you. I wanted to tell you that when I operated on my daughter, and spread her legs to end her misery and the misery of her shame, I never told you. I wanted to tell you, that when my daughter was bleeding in my hands, I vowed to God my life if only she came out. She heeled and she found a man who cherished her and never brought up her shame. I wanted to tell you that I knew God too, and he was all these things you said he was, but you said to me then: what can a woman know about God.
As you developed new projects and ideas, you said it was time I worked in the city. When I worked in the city I was very scared and by myself. I did not know why people said or did things, but I brought the money home so you could put it to a new car, new house, new gun, new casion game, new booze and new girl.
As you made babies outside home, you tole me not to be jealous. One day you brought home your "associate". Your "associate" and you were kissing in the moonlight, Gregory saw you. The next day your buddies were over and you though I was asleep. You told them about your "bravery" and they praised you. One of them told you that "you still need to be careful". I have heard you and them and him. I was not asleep.
As you stroke my daughter down and told her she was a whore, I found her dead the next morning, hung from the ceiling. My daughter, your daughter, is in hell now.
As you told our daughter gilrs were not good in math, she in secret studied mathematics and designed theories of chemical mulitplication. When you have found the notes she hid under her maiden bed, you tore them into pieces, slapped her on her face adn told her to "get dressed up to go see Frank." My daughter was married that very year to a man. She now sits at home and cooks. We talk about a proportion of salt to the amount of water in a bowl...
As my daughter kept giving birth, she found time to study at night when he was asleep. She has finished the mathematical course all by herself, she has found girlfriends to discuss it with. She has taught it to her daughter, her daughter is now on a scholarship in this big college some title of a great lord ...duke, that's it, Duke University. She came to see me and said: grandma, one day, you will live forever. I started laughing and said I would be happy to have medical care and my own little garden.
As my husband swore his love to me until the end of our earth days, before the priest, he filed a divorce case against me because a younger and prettier woman has entered his life. When I asked about God he said to me not to be contentious and enjoy the money I was getting.
As my husband sent me back to my parents' house because I was "not a good wife", my fathr beat my father to death.
As I was left to tend the household, my father too, has killed himself. I was left alone,without a brother or a chidl or a husband or a parent. First, they came and claimed the house. Then, they came and claimed my body. Then, they came and claimed my children. Then, they came and claimed my life.
As I was left alone without a husband or a father or a child, I learnt a trade. I learnt that trade well and so good, no one ever dared to strike me again. I was dressed pretty and carried around. Great Kings came to me and sought my favor. As I please the Kings, their wives were crying in the night, alone, on the cold wedding beds.
A I was left without you, I have learnt to saw, to weave, to knit, to cook, to clean, to make smiles, to make orgasms, to mke jokes, and I have survived. I did not know how to read or write, but I knew how to use my mouth in a thousand and one of other ways.
As I was left alone, by myself, my misery increased. Times have changed. I have changed. Now I spoke and knew how to read and write - I spoke you you as you flew by in your space shuttle. You stopped by, laughed and pettied me on the head: child, you said, go home to your parents, you said. I wanted to tell you they were dead but you were already gone. He was next to you, laughing.
As I was left alone, by myself, I read all about your God and things he has done. He is a great God and praise must be given to him. As I read on commandments he has issued for you, I have realized he did care for me, after all. He commanded you to take care of your wife and kids. I also found that your God was not the only God. That other men had other Gods. Their God was different.
Ad I was left alone to mend your socks, you came in drunk and raped me! When I cried from pain, you said I was your wife and should not complain! But I did not want to make love then! I was thinking about God and my home work when you came and rapped me...
As I sat on the stoop, all alone, I have thought about the stars. You came out and told me to "get in immediately." When I asked to be out for some more, you hit me across the face and said "not to argue with your lord and master." As my lord and master was reading his books that night, I hid in the dark, the broken bone of my nose, for fear he will see me and strike me for my ugliness.